Category Archives: Extraterrestrials

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The Pentagon Report on UFOs was a huge letdown and that’s just the way we extraterrestrials wanted it.

It’s all your fault, Earthlings. We didn’t plan to end it this way, but we had no choice.

Let us explain. 

For thousands of years, we’d been watching your progress as a species and we thought you showed promise. Sure, we had to turn a blind compound eye as you slaughtered each other by the millions, trashed your planet and invented Crocs footwear, the ugliest things ever to grace a foot other than a case of gout.

Growing pains, we told ourselves. Look on the sunny side of the street we assured ourselves. You humans managed to invent democracy, poetry and Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

By 2004, we’d given you guys the green light and felt you were ready to take the next big step: making contact. We sent our hypersonic Tic Tacs to draw your attention and even dragged out some old-fashioned flying saucers—because you expected them. 

Baby steps people, baby steps.

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I know that planet’s around here somewhere

Why don’t you just pull over?
I don’t like the look of this neighborhood.
Why?
I just don’t like the look of it.
Would it just kill you to ask for directions? We’re already late for the party as it is.
I think it’s just a little further in this direction.
That’s what you said as we passed the planet with the rings around it.
Well…
..and as we approached the gas giant with the huge red spot.
Let’s go a little further. Zorb said it’s past a red planet and then left after a blue one.
This isn’t even our solar system.
Let’s just swing around this star and we’ll slingshot back out where we came from.
Finally you’re listening to me.
We just need to be careful. Not every civilization is going to react kindly to a spaceship a half-mile long.
I listened to their radio transmissions. They know we’re a spaceship.
I doubt that.
They named us: Oumuamua.
Oh relax. The life forms on the blue planet think this is just a big asteroid.
Not one guy at something called Harvard-Smithsonian Center. He knows this is a spaceship.
Who’s gonna believe one guy? Let’s circle the star and get out of here. Ignore the tumbling.

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The Irony of the Fermi Paradox

(A dialog between two extraterrestrials entering a new, unexplored solar system. Translated from their native Hexa-Dimensional Hru-ru)

“Captain, we examined the gas planet with the fantastic rings.”
“Gina 954?”
“Yes. No biomarkers, even though it seems perfect for life: mostly hydrogen and helium, with traces of methane, ammonia and water. Temperature is minus 279 Fahrenheit, windspeeds 1,100 miles an hour.”
“Sounds like heaven. Damn! We’re were so close.”
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An open letter to the ungrateful people of Earth

Dear Douchebag EarthlingsWTF humans!

We finished off the dinosaurs with a whopping asteroid to make way for you mammals. We tinkered with your genes and got you to come down from the trees. We taught early humans how to raise crops and domesticate animals. Gave democracy to the ancient Greeks. And pulled your sorry asses back from the brink of nuclear war on multiple occasions. You owe us extraterrestrials big time.

And how do you Judases repay us?

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