It’s all your fault, Earthlings. We didn’t plan to end it this way, but we had no choice.
Let us explain.
For thousands of years, we’d been watching your progress as a species and we thought you showed promise. Sure, we had to turn a blind compound eye as you slaughtered each other by the millions, trashed your planet and invented Crocs footwear, the ugliest things ever to grace a foot other than a case of gout.
Growing pains, we told ourselves. Look on the sunny side of the street we assured ourselves. You humans managed to invent democracy, poetry and Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
By 2004, we’d given you guys the green light and felt you were ready to take the next big step: making contact. We sent our hypersonic Tic Tacs to draw your attention and even dragged out some old-fashioned flying saucers—because you expected them.
Baby steps people, baby steps.
