The uncensored version of my article about dating that ran in the Los Angeles Times

This article ran in the Los Angeles Times on Saturday, June 29, 2018. They had to censor some parts and cut a bit for space. I understand completely. But I decided to let loose here. You have been warned. 

I wasn’t very smart when it came to dating. Or was I?

I like to think of myself as a pretty intelligent guy. Logical, analytical, able to reason things out.

If I’m not cycling around Griffith Park, I’ll spend my free time watching documentaries on YouTube about chaos theory, parallel universes and anything to do with Einstein. I have books stacked in tall piles on my bedside tables covering a bewildering array of subjects, from theories of time to the history of the Dutch people to Murakami novels filled with talking cats and disturbing passages of incest.

But when it comes to dating, my prized intellect goes completely out the window. I’ll date a guy with more red flags than a communist parade, ignoring warning signs that would cause most people in my position to move out of town and change their phone number.

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Even Henchmen Working for Organizations Dedicated to World Domination Can Suffer from Existential Nihilism and Inadequate Health Insurance

POW-POW!

“Hey, Stan, who are we shooting at this time?”

BLAM, BLAM!

“James Bond again.”

POW-POW!

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Why? We’ve got Bond outnumbered ten-to-one.”

“And every time he manages to come out on top.”

POW-POW!

“No way! We’ve got him cornered.”

“Where?”

“Over by the 100 canisters of liquified oxygen and pile of oily rags.”

“I still have a bad feeling about this…” Continue reading

THE IRONY OF THE FERMI PARADOX

(A dialog between two extraterrestrials entering a new, unexplored solar system. Translated from their native Hexa-Dimensional Hru-ru)

“Captain, we examined the gas planet with the fantastic rings.”
“Gina 954?”
“Yes. No biomarkers, even though it seems perfect for life: mostly hydrogen and helium, with traces of methane, ammonia and water. Temperature is minus 279 Fahrenheit, windspeeds 1,100 miles an hour.”
“Sounds like heaven. Damn! We’re were so close.”
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The theory of natural selection according to my father

Let’s face it. Spend months on a desolate island in the Pacific looking at the beaks of Galapagos finches and before long, you might begin to realize something is going on there. Naturalist Charles Darwin did and it led to the theory of natural selection. Those individuals with heritable traits better suited to the environment will survive.

That’s not the way my father saw things in the natural world. He had his own rules that made you worthy of passing on your genes. Continue reading

An open letter to the ungrateful people of Earth

Dear Douchebag EarthlingsWTF humans!

We finished off the dinosaurs with a whopping asteroid to make way for you mammals. We tinkered with your genes and got you to come down from the trees. We taught early humans how to raise crops and domesticate animals. Gave democracy to the ancient Greeks. And pulled your sorry asses back from the brink of nuclear war on multiple occasions. You owe us extraterrestrials big time.

And how do you Judases repay us?

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Trees Grow Out of the Sky, Not the Ground

Richard Feynman, one of the greatest physicists of the 20th century, could look at a simple tree and see much more than some roots, a trunk, branches and leaves. He understood and marveled at where they came from. The answer isn’t what you think.

Feynman said that trees come mostly out of the air.

Before you sputter in laughter and point in ridicule, you need to know that he’s correct.

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My Dad The Nerd

My dad the nerd

My mother never understood the wave-particle duality of electromagnetic phenomena. She had no interest in the fact that objects traveling near the speed of light shortened in their direction of motion. And she never grasped how an airplane managed to stay up in the air at all, even though her husband flew planes for a living. Continue reading